Last week I was at the beach with my love and Willow watching this incredible sunset.
We were bundled up with coats and blankets as it was cold and windy, eating our dinner. We were eating in silence but my head was far from silent. My deepest desire was to polar bear plunge into the ocean. My spiritual mentor @madrinadellaterra had also planted the seed of this cleansing for the new moon in our call earlier in the day. But in my mind I kept talking myself out of it.. it’s too cold. I can’t swim. The ocean could carry me out. What are you going to do afterwards? It will be freezing to be wet. What will all the other people on the beach think? Am I drawing too much attention to myself? Do I need to do it now? I’m comfortable sitting where I am.
“I am comfortable sitting where I am.”
This. This sentence. Has kept me in places, in situations, in relationships, in friendships, in business, in boxes where I don’t actually want to be... my entire f*cking life.
There is part of me that wants to stay safe. That wants to mitigate risk. That wants to stay in the known. That doesn’t want to rock the boat. That doesn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. That doesn’t want to argue. That doesn’t want to be alone. That wants to settle into the delicious, warm blankets of the known. Even at the cost of my heart and soul. At the cost of my wild freedom.
I’ve blamed parents, family, partners, friends, society, religion, etc but it’s really about ME. I’ve done so much harm in not stating my truths. I’ve done more harm NOT saying what’s real and true for me rather than when I’ve actually said the truth. This is humbling.
How many more times am I going to abandon myself? Abandon my deep inner knowing? Abandon my deep desire to LIVE fully? To push my edges? To feel the fear and do it anyway? To stay seated comfortably in the known?
Then I stood. Stripped down the my leggings and bra. And ran down the beach. Past all the folks clamming. Past all the folks with cameras capturing the sunset. Past all my fears. The energy rising in my body. Tears flooding my eyes. Sobs rising in my body.
Simultaneously feeling the need to scream, sob and sing at the top of my lungs. Feeling waves of grief and joy all at once. Then the cold water hit me. I’m alive. My feet. I’m alive. My legs. I’m alive. My hips. I’m alive. My waist. As the waves hit my body I could feel my heart beating, my blood pulsing.
I. AM. ALIVE.
I sank to my knees. Plugged my nose and let the waves cover my head. I felt hot and cold all at once. Numb and tingling. Tears and laughter. Fear and deep peace. It was a baptism unlike any I had ever known.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. May I forever remember this day deep in my bones. In my cells. In every breath of my existence. May I continue to say yes to life. May I continue to unravel these layers. May I continue to surrender to the wild Unknown, to sink deeply into the seat of discomfort. To find the pulse of life just on the other side of fear. May I continue to cultivate a courageous heart. With immense humility and gratitude for this opportunity. Thank you to all that is. ❤️
#baptism #healingwaters #sayyestolife #courage #wildfreedom #soulsjourney #innerchildhealing #unraveling #sheddingseason #scorpioseason #rebirth #truthspeak
Ellinor Grace is a Dreamer, Visionary, Creator of Sacred Spaces, Healer, Artist & World Traveler